I did it. I mean I DID IT!!! Actually, I broke the fast last night. It was a few hours before the 5 days were officially over, but I'm not going to quibble about it. I learned a lot about myself and my body. These are things that I can't learn in a book or in a class or even by somebody else telling me about their own experience. These are things that I had to find out for myself. It is the basis for the idea of self-discovery. I thought I understood, but I really never knew. So, what am I talking about?
For me, the most enlightening moment came when I realized that I was free from the obsession over food. That's not to say that I wasn't hungry or that I wasn't thinking about food, but because I had fully committed myself to this fast it wasn't an option to eat. Therefore, I could enjoy the sunshine. I was able to fully admire the lovely summer day. I could truly stop and smell the flowers without the cloud of "what am I going to eat next" hanging over my head. Just realizing that "cloud" exists was a blessing.
I've spent my entire life with an unhealthy relationship with food. I blame it mostly on my dad (sorry dad!) because he instilled in me such a fear of becoming "fat" that dieting and weight loss has always been an obsession for me. There have been two modes for me in life. The first is being on the weight loss wagon and the second is having fallen off and while stuffing my face with all sorts of unhealthy, disgusting food I will be plotting my next attempt at jumping back on the wagon. So you see, food is behind every thought, at the end of every event, motivating me constantly. So, to say that I was FREE for 5 glorious days is not an exaggeration.
Now for the not so great (but still worthwhile) part. Breaking the fast was a lot harder than I thought. I expected it to be difficult, but I thought I would be able to handle it. I mean really--I just went five days without food I can do anything right?? Well, I guess this is another example of needing experience to help you along the way. I read all the books, and had a plan--but I am me. I started out by drinking a quart of broth. Yikes, it went straight through me. I mean STRAIGHT through me (like a rocket). So, a few hours later I tried a raw egg shake with some whole milk (I know there are a lot of you cringing at this, but I had my reasons which can be a post for another day). That actually went ok. No bad reactions. Then I tried some fresh kefir with 2 TBSP. flax seed. No problems. Shortly after that is when I lost it. A lifetime of bad habits apparently cannot be broken in five days. It was like my body was saying (screaming) SHE FELL OFF THE WAGON--DIG IN!! I hate to admit it but I ate a white flour roll and then not one but TWO chocolate chip cookies. The remarkable thing was afterward I felt really ill. My body has been so accustomed to my teeter totter of healthy and then unhealthy eating that I had lost all sense of a connection to my body. Seriously, I could be uncomfortably full and full of gas and miserable and still be looking for something to eat. My brain had no sense of what was going on in my gut. So, when I started to feel sick I was rather surprised. I actually wanted to stop eating. Should I repeat that (more for myself than anyone else) I WANTED to STOP EATING!! No willpower involved.
Later I was able to have a small bowl of mush which was ok. This morning I had a lovely bowel movement and a vegetable juice for breakfast. I feel good. I mean I feel really good. I'm actually glad that breaking my fast did not go perfectly because I learned something. I know that I can reconnect with my body. Not overnight and not in five days. But, I can do it and really that is all that matters!
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